As i write this post now
i do not know, could not figure out what or how my mood is.
Yesterday, is one of the longest night ever i recalled.
'Oh shit! It's happening! It's happening!'
The ever most fearful and unwanted finally happened,
i caused it.
I've been comforting myself to be calm and chill,
'It's okay, it doesn't matter, let begone begone.'
Sounds like i'm cheating myself.
Even during the lesson, my mind is a total mess.
I can't make it clear what we are now.
I try to re-read our conversation yesterday and analyse.
No outcome is made, everything jumbled up.
Thank you, you comforted me.
But at that moment, i did not mind the business at all.
That's why i did not say a thing regarding that.
I ignored your care and love, sorry.
All i think is phone, how, money, why.
Yepp i blame myself, no doubt.
Is what i will do usually but after that i'll be alright.
Leave me bla-ing.
I'm just letting you knowing every single thing that came out from my mind that moment,
without thinking twice or filtering.
I'm clear that i can't fall asleep.
Me too, do not know that you've done with your works accompanying me
Thought you were still fighting with 'em n telling me wanna sleep.
If i were to not accept it, i wouldn't think of money problem.
I knew very well there's no warranty for it.
I will need to get solution for everything before i can fall asleep,
Daddy will wanna pay for it, i need to think how to persuade him let me pay on my own.
I do not understand what makes you start 'lecturing' me. Why can't just let me say all i want first? Even until now, i have no clue.
When problems suddenly triggers you, you'll think of so much too, maybe you did not notice it.
I know things going wrong and try to stop it, asking you to stop replying me and stop 'lecturing' me.
Cuz i'm really feeling worst.
Perhaps the problem is i'm not rational and chill enough? I guess, i don't have a clue yet.
If there was a chance, please tell me and please teach me what are you expecting from me and how should i do?
I need you to be steady, to calm me down, reminding me to be rational and control temper.
Just like you always tell me not to yell at you.
Your patience thru the months, really motivates me to improve myself.
Thank you, partner.
Did u ever know that, me, is actually very afraid of you?
I'm so scare that one day, i'll go against your limit without realising and made you mad at me or just break-up. I do not hope/want that ! ><
I bet' i've done it, and not hoping for anything, i'm not qualify to.
You're always keen with yourself, especially in terms of decision.
I do not dare to ask for any apologise or go any further or ask anything.
I hitted the limit and i deserve anything you're going to give.
6 months, going to be.
December, January, February, March, April, May and now, June...
I don't call it long, or it is neither short.
I feel blessed and grateful.
Every moments you have given to me, places you've brought me to,
i always recall 'em all when i visit the place again alone or with other else.
All of them are just way too awesome.
I never put any hope on you as you told, even if i hope some particular thing to be sucha way that you can never do it, it's really okay for me if you can't.
No hope = surprise, it does not matter how simple things you give/do to me, sincerity is the key.
But to be frank, you've given me plenty of sweet surprises.
The moment you address me 'lou po'.
I feel so cute of you and HAPPINESS!
At the same time, 'is it real?', 'are you serious?'..., came to my mind and there you start discussing bout stuffs regarding to it, so much questions i wanted to ask, seriously.
How sweet was i going to bed that night. Aha !
I must be dreaming now.
Once again, i'm sorry.
I dont know what can i say/do other than sorry.
